A Potential Paralysis (RD3)

Mari Nakamitsu

31 March 2011

Creative Non-Fiction

J. Shimabukuro

A Potential Paralysis

Daily, people test me, potentially knowingly or unknowingly.  It is most likely the latter.  Often throughout the day I have the sensation of various degrees of nagging pains throughout my neck and shoulders, brought on by the frustration of the seemingly complete imbeciles that I (barely) interact with daily.  (THESIS) It is recent that I have decided to put my plan into action, to learn and to become more tolerant of people, as I realize my drastic intolerance for others (THESIS).  I understand that some things I mutter about others under my breath as I walk by are genuinely mean, impatient and judgemental.  However, it seems just so difficult for me to think otherwise or hold my piece and not say aloud.  I mean, people don’t mean to do anything to me at all (mostly) but my underlying crabby-ness and slight paranoia of what others think is simply overpowering at times.

            When there are too many people and or stimuli in a given area that seems too small for the population, I literally feel nauseated.  Seeing vast amounts of people crawling around gives me a similar feeling to when I see an ant swarm around a dead carcass.  Why?  I really have no idea.  Granted I’m awkward socially, usually when people speak to me my mind goes completely blank except for “stoptalkingtomestoptalkingtomestoptalkingtome”.

When people are blocking my way, my first reaction is “holy sh**, get out of the way” (usually there is more profanity).  I promise I don’t have any kind of problem exactly with people, just an incredibly short fuse, and I really need to get over it, in the worst way possible.  Car rides with my grandfather are hell.  Between all the farting, burping, whistling, there is this really especially annoying noise he makes, the noise one makes when one have something stuck in ones teeth, that sucking sound.  I hate it.  He usually hasn’t even eaten anything and the rate of its occurrence is increasing, it has snowballed into a habit.  Usually in about 2 seconds he does one of those intolerable sounds, spiraling me into a depraved, desperate suicidal state.  I try covering my ears.  I still hear it.  There is nothing that I can do except to get closer to my breaking point, digging my nails into the unfortunate, unarmored, car seat.  Sometimes I wonder why God wants me to die of a brain aneurism.  I live in a constant uptight, on edge, adrenaline fueled state.  I attribute my many pains, stomach and sleep problems to this anxiety filled way of life.  There are other reasons for my pain though, very good reasons, but that is not the point.  Even as I type this I can feel the trace surges of adrenaline circulating through my body as I even think about me being angry.

            For some reason, I have a sort of phobia toward people in a way.  I’m was never a sort of person that thrived on having many friends, I had a few good friends and I always liked it that way.  During my first year of college however, I had a difficult time.  I had no friends that year.  At all.  This was all because I was (and still am) afraid to talk to people.  Most of the time I decide not to say anything at all because a lot of the time people misunderstand what I mean.  I have a pretty good dark sense of humor.  When I talk to new people who do not know this fact about me, people have the wrong idea.  Most of the times that I have done this, I make myself look like either a) a potential serial killer or b) just plain weird, either of which makes me feel like I’ve just made a complete moron out of myself.  So most times I choose to stay quiet.  Doing this “quiet person act” usually works out for me.  All throughout my school life, I have made friends without having to talk to them first.  This makes me sound pompous and makes others think that I think I’m too good to talk to other people.  I see how this can look that way, but honestly I really do not mean any sort of negativity, I’m just too awkward!

            I have known this trait for a long time and up until now I have never really decided to do anything about it.  The catalyst for this event was my boyfriend of 4 years.  In the past I placed the same judgement on him as I did with everyone else, except he was closer to me so that meant I could be more harsh on him.  I always said I would try not to do that but I never really put it into action and tried really hard to be more understanding.  I also realized that when I go back to the mainland I want to have friends and enjoy my time there instead of just trying to finish school as fast as I can.  Throughout my life I have just tried to get through things to get to the next step.  But now I realize that at this rate, I will always be doing just that, trying to get to the next step, until the day I die and realize that I never really enjoyed many things in my life.  I need to be open and understanding, not rip people’s heads off because I do not control them and I need to be ok with that.  In the past few months I have really tried to step down and release my grip a little on my life and not have a breakdown when plans change.  I know I will always be a type A personality and these traits will still linger because that is who I am.  However I am learning and putting into practice to not be so extreme and to just be myself.  If people do not like who I am I need to feel ok with that because not everyone will get along with me or understand my kind of personality.